Yes, this is a real picture. No it is not mine. I found it on the internet. Admit it ladies, you have a list. It may not be specific names (or it may be ), but you have some sort of list. You know the list you mentally go through every time you meet an new eligible single guy. Yeah, that one. I’m not here to knock lists. If you think about it, we have lists for everything, our favorite foods, movies, cds, restaurants, and the lists go on and on. There’s no way to not have a “husband list”. Every girl has preferences, things she’s attracted to, things she’s not. That’s how God made us. What a boring world it would be if we were all attracted/liked the same things. But, my question would be, how flexible is your list? What are the non-negotiables (i.e are looks the most important thing? Or is godly character?)? Is your list subject to God’s plans for you?
At this point you may be wondering what in the world possessed me to write a blog post on lists and guys. Really? Jessica, can’t you just write about Christmas or something? This topic has been mulling around in my head for the past couple of months. I’ve had multiple conversations with folks on different aspects of this topic. Here’s their stories (names changed obviously)…
Julie was wondering if I had met anyone I was interested in. (My answer was no, just in case you were getting excited.) She asked me if I had my sights set too high. Was I open to whatever God had (which I think I am) or did I have too many “ideas” that were keeping me from being open to possibilities.
Jackie made a comment on a FB status, “Infact, it’s really hard to find anyone worth marrying!”
And if you look on Janet’s Pinterest boards it’s filled with pictures of actors and how she wants her husband to look and/or act like them.
I don’t disagree (at least in part) with any of the above or find any of their statements/actions wrong or sinful. However, I’d have some more questions to ask them…
I agree with Julie. I think that girls make these grand lists of what they want in a man. And unless they find someone that meets at least part of that list, they’re not interested. I don’t think our visually driven culture helps this mindset either. All you have to do is watch any romantic comedy/drama. It paints this perfect romance with a guy that is paid to look unrealistically hot. It’s true. His hair is perfect, he works out to have just the right looking body, he’s wearing make-up, and he’s paid to smile charmingly at the camera. Don’t get me wrong, I love romantic movies! But, if those movies are influencing my view of reality and life, I need to ask some hard questions. But, even though I agree with Julie, I’d also ask some clarifying questions. I’ve heard people encourage girls to be open to any guy as long as he’s godly. And I think there’s some really good, godly advice in that! We need to be open to what God has and be humble as we’re looking for a spouse. However, there are gonna be guys that I’m never gonna be interested in. And I think that’s ok. The issue here, I think, is are you prayerfully considering? There’s nothing wrong with turning a guy down, but have you prayed about it? Are you open to the idea? Are you genuinely praying and seeking God’s will? Are you asking others or just saying no after a 3 second prayer? No one should marry someone they have no attraction to. That’s just stupid! As a friend of mine says, “If you can’t imagine yourself kissing the guy, don’t marry him!” LOL So, yeah, attraction matters. But, character, humility, and God’s will matters more. And in my life, I need to make sure I’m balancing both.
Hollywood shouldn’t dictate what type of guy I want to marry…God should.
Jackie’s comment made my heart so sad. I think I understood what she was saying and I’ve thought similar things. When you’re in your 30s most godly guys seem to have already pursued and gotten married. It’s tempting to think that all that’s left are guys who need to get their act together. The type of guy who still plays video games for hours and lives with his mom. But, this simply isn’t true. Granted, in our western culture, guys do seem to mature slower. It’s the norm for them to “grow up”, “be a man” once college is done and a job has been established. Our culture doesn’t exactly encourage gentlemanly or chivalrous behavior. And yes, this is sadly prevalent in our Christian culture too. But, it is so unfair to make a blanket statement like that of all guys. I know so many godly guys who are single and don’t fit in to that mold. Yes, they can have ways to grow, but last time I checked I have a myriad of ways to grow in my own life.
Superman doesn’t exist.
And just because I’m not interested in any of these men, doesn’t mean they’re not worth marrying. It simply means that God has ordained some other wonderful woman for each of them. As their friend I have the joy of serving them and being a means of grace to them as they search for her. God has adjusted my thinking. I’ve been convicted of having, at times, a “no one worth marrying” mentality. And I’ve come to realize that one, it’s such an arrogant attitude (Who am I to cast judgment on some else and their possible defects? Don’t I have enough of my own?). Two, it’s not that so and so isn’t worth marrying, it’s just that God has someone else for him. I also find that this attitude reveals a lack of faith in my Savior. It’s a lot easier to blame the idea of a lack of men, then to quietly rest in my Savior’s sovereignty. It’s easier to look for any reason other than the real one…I haven’t found my husband yet because it’s not God’s plan for this moment. Ultimately, I’m charging God with not knowing what’s best for me.
And if you’re still reading this very long post (bless you!), I think you probably know what I’d say to Janet. Physical things are important in a spouse (that’s how God made us!), but are you more attracted to a guys physical appearance or his character? Are you serving yourself by always thinking about what you want in a guy? Could this possibly be tempting you to discontentment? Do you spend more time thinking about having a husband or preparing yourself (spiritually and practically) for him?
I don’t mean any of this in a legalistic you must do things like this way. Or a if you think like this, it’s wrong. God has called each of us to glorify Him. That is what is most important! The practical ways in which this is worked out is often as varied as the people He created. But, if any of this hits home, I’d encourage you to at least ask yourself some questions. In the area of romance, I’ve found it’s so easy to talk myself into thinking everything is fine. But, I’ve found that my heart (especially in this area) is deceitful (Jer. 17:9). So, can I ask that you to prayerfully seek the Scriptures. Scripture is what guides us. Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you if there is anything you don’t see. Ask your accountability partner, parents, care group leaders. Most of all, remember that He who began a good work in you will finish it to completion (Phi. 1:6)!
As in every area of a Christian’s life, God’s grace and power is at work in you!